We, I mean our kind of people, tell ourselves constantly that we will never amount to anything. That our dreams are bitter sweet, our ambitions to high, our good fortune only happy accidents that will never repeat. We tell ourselves these constantly, at first when they aren’t true, but then again and again until they become true.
We get irritated when people tell us it will get better. That there is a silver lining to every dark cloud, that, like good moments, bad ones will eventually end too. We ignore these whines and pleas for us to stop being so morbid and anxious all the time and continue to hate ourselves.
There are people who will reinforce our negative feelings, which will be the only things we actually listen to. We hear no praise or compliments. We hear no love or affection. Only hate, as if we feed on it to deepen some void of what we believe we are truly lacking in worth.
I’ve learned something in my 21 years, probably the only useful thing I’ve ever learned.
Once upon a time we felt no darkness only light, and as we grew older there was a small speck of darkness that grew and grew until it swallowed up the light. It left only a speck of light where darkness had once been. Because it happened so suddenly, because it grew exponentially overtime we had no idea how to find our way back. We stayed in the darkness because it was all we knew in our formative years, it was the only thing that felt familiar.
But if you can find yourself in one place, you can find your way back.
If you can feed the darkness, you can feed the light.
It is not easy and perhaps my words fall on deaf ears, but I found myself all alone at the edge once. No one pulled me back but myself. Because you see that’s the only person I was fighting with, running from, trying to escape.
So I turned and faced my fears,
I learned to love my face and body because I would never get another one. Why chance the only thing I truly had for certain that was mine?
I learned to appreciate what talents I had. I’m not useless, I’m scared easily, I talked myself out of doing things because I didn’t want to fail, so sometimes I didn’t do anything at all. But almost every single time I tried something I learned something new, I made new friends, I got stronger.
I learned to respect myself, but my life would not be snuffed out by other people’s hate and dislike, their personal limitations or expectations. I learned that I could change my future, how I saw myself.
You could give up now and never see where your life will take you, or you could try and try again. It will hurt and scar and bleed but those moments will be yours. You can ignore the lessons or learn from them. You can live for yourself and other people too. Never sacrifice who you are for other people’s convenience.
Who’s life is it? Yours? Or Theirs?
It is truly a matter of perspective. What do you see? Be honest with yourself.
